explosion | RUBILYKSKOYE INBOX.

[ What Wanda is saying makes sense (just because you're older doesn't mean you're smarter, wiser, something something hiding your true self). But it makes too much sense, humanizes him too much to where it is so very hard to stay mad and upset, devastated when she wants to.

It aligns with what she wants to hear, absolutely, what gives her hope that she's more than just a nice distraction. That she didn't waste her time pining after him during their silence— but still. ]

but he's not ignoring anyone else
he's like FINE and normal and whatever
it's like he doesn't even care or smth

and i feel even dumber than he is for caring as much as i do bc what does that say abt me??

That you care.

[ Isn't it that simple? Can't it be? ]

There's nothing wrong with you caring more than he does. It just means you're capable of a lot more than he is.

I don't think loving someone so much is something to feel shame for. I feel sorry for him.

[ Caring so much about someone got Wanda into so much strife. Vision wouldn't like who she's become in her grief for him, but Wanda doesn't regret loving him that much she'd devastate the world.

(In another world, he feeds their friends to her to eat and keep her zombie form replenished. If doing devastating things for each other isn't love, then she has no concept of it.) ]

[ Petulant and as childish as ever, Lottie wants to argue that caring more just means she's the loser in all this. That she's the one suffering the most (not really), and the worst part is it'd be all her fault (it is). ]

i don't love him.. [ The unspoken declaration: she does like him. ] that's crazy
he still thinks i'm 26!!! I'M 29

[ It's so weird to think about, that concept in all this. Lottie's only ever really loved one person and even then it came with its own hang-ups. It's own Lottie brand self doubt and loathing, wondering if she's even doing the whole love thing right.

She thinks in the end, she didn't— Sunny wanted a break just like John did, even after all the years they spent together. He must've wanted something different (someone?), and that's where it all stems from, the insecurities that are biting at her heel: worry of not being good enough. Wanda says she feels sorry for John and that worry rears it head, burns a fire so hot inside she has to remind herself that Wanda is smart. She's not saying any of this without a reason, or to make her upset, even if it's so easy for her to force that narrative because John hurt her feelings. ]

also why?? :(
he made his choices!
they weren't good ones but
isn't the point of life living and learning??

[ (says the person not doing that) ]

And isn't living and learning also all about making messes, hard decisions, and sometimes very big mistakes?

[ Speaking from experience, although, Wanda doesn't let herself dwell on her handful of messes, hard decisions, and mistakes. ]

It's not all about pretty, easy things that feel good. That's not life. It's just a small part of it.

[ A tiny, tiny, tiny sliver. ]

[ Wanda, you were supposed to think that was forgiving and cool of her to say then comment on something else. Not agree with her and side with John!! ]

but those are the best parts :(

[ Weakly, childishly. But not enough to be so stubborn that she stays landlocked in this opinion, because she's right. She can live with this being categorized as a very big mistake. Maybe someday he'll regret it and come apologize. Maybe they can be friends. Or, maybe, they can be nothing at all. She doesn't know, and that's equally as scary as everything else happening around her, because right now she feels so much. Wants so desperately it smothers her. ]

what do i do now

[ Her cheek is smushed against the cold wood floor. ]

i KNOW what to do but
what do i do

[ Oh, Lottie, she knows. ]

You leave your room and come outside the boarding house with me. I know where they keep the very delicious chocolate at the General Store.

[ Granted, there is no delicious chocolate at the General Store right now…

But there will be, in a hiding place Wanda deems has always been there. ]

Assuming you like chocolate.

[ Sweets. Chocolate. Lottie thinks of how nice it'd be to stuff her face, the nice and pleasant juxtaposition to her usual barely there eating habits. She doesn't even regulate the interest, how thankful she is at the request, from their mental connection — doesn't even think to spare Wanda the brunt of it, how happiness intermingles with hesitation at an instant. ]

....john won't be there
right?

[ At the General Store, she means. ]

No.

[ She ensures to send that quick and firm, leaving no room for Lottie to doubt her.

If he was, Wanda would invite Lottie to come sit with her in her room or go to another spot in the town far away from where John was. ]

I wouldn't make you go there if he was.

[ What she doesn't say: You can trust me. ]

[ She doesn't think Wanda would intentionally, she's just used to having friends put her in the same vicinity as her exes (well, ex— now, it is exes) regardless of what she wants. Especially, regardless of how fresh the break up is. ]

okay

i can be there in like 15 if that's cool w/ you?

Super cool.

Unless saying that isn't cool.

[ But Wanda's where she says she is, five or however many minutes it takes for Lottie to make her way outside. She's dressed in an oversized white button-up and loose trousers, her hair in a looser braid. She stands outside the boarding house, tilting her head up to observe the windows like some fun shadow show is on display. ]

Have you ever noticed how some of these windows look a little crooked?

[ Lottie, first of all, looks: rough. She's got layers on, chest covered and cleavage nowhere to be seen (already a bad sign). She's got her hair in a shitty bun (arguably an even worse sign), and she's in ye olde sandals (screaming). She's slightly hunched over, arms crossed and looking from side to side, as if she's worried about someone seeing her with her red eyes, her red nose. The snot stains on her sleeve, even— which she has forgotten about, having to spare all her leftover mental energy to force herself to not ditch Wanda. ]

They are?

[ That answers the question immediately. She turns to look at said windows, then glances at Wanda (then her braid, how nice it looks in comparison to her ratty birds nest at the crown of her head) with raised brows after she sees.. Huh, they— are! ]

..Is that a good thing?

I think so.

[ Wanda ensures to emphasise that. Others might not agree, but Wanda likes some things not being perfect. (If it's under her command, everything must be picture-perfect and to the script.)

She smiles at Lottie, taking in how very raw yet human she looks. Wanda's always preferred the no makeup, loose pants, and even tangled hair look to anything else. ]

It means that it's got a story to tell.

[ With a cock of her head, she turns on her foot and invites Lottie to walk with her away from the boarding house and toward the General Store. ]

[ Wow.. This is so oddly coming of age of them to do. Which is a weird thought of her to have, but she misses modern day comforts— stupid TV shows she thought were trash and shouldn't have been made. Movies. Google. Her horoscope app. She thinks if she checked it it would've told her: your life is falling apart, again.

Maybe somewhere there would've been an addendum under daily horoscopes: but a friend will pick it up. Never stay closed off! Be positive. She follows after Wanda, just a step behind her (like she doesn't know where the General Store could possibly be, when she does— how can she not?). ]

I think it means the people who built it didn't make it right..

[ Of course, she doesn't clue into the still very real caveat of it still works, despite that. Is still a very nice piece of architecture that is still her home, whether she likes it or not. ]

Well, on the outside, it doesn't look right.

[ Wanda glances fondly over her shoulder at the boarding house before looking at Lottie with a small smile. ]

But it still functions. Isn't that the point of it? Keeps us warm, keeps us… locked in when it's snowing outside.

[ She laughs, wrinkling her nose. ]

This place is weird, isn't it?

[ The snow. Lottie's own nose wrinkles at the reminder of their time locked inside, with monsters and horny people (and furniture) about. She scratches at her neck, lost in thought for a moment. ]

Weird is an understatement!

[ It's the most genuine, unworried thing she's said all day: just how much she's bothered by the boarding house and how it functions. ]

It's freaky.

[ Wanda can't help her chuckle. ]

It is. It's the weirdest place I've ever been, and I've fought aliens.

[ She says it like a badge of honour, fighting aliens. Would she prefer to fight them than worry about whether the boarding house's furniture wants to penetrate her? Not really. She likes the boarding house. It makes for a great story.

As they approach the General Store, Wanda skips ahead of Lottie to swing the door open for her. ]

After you.

[ Ha ha, what? Lottie's quiet at first, just slowly walking into the General Store at Wanda's request. But every so often she spares glances back at her like she's itching to ask something. And then, ]

I'm sorry— aliens? Are you not gonna say more about that??

[ She chuckles. ]

People usually don't ask!

[ Mostly because she never speaks to people, but that's beside the point. Wanda leads her down an elaborate pathway through one of the aisles and turns left into another one. Her secret stash is hidden in plain sight. ]

Aliens like to invade my earth a lot.

[ Coming to stand before a shelf packed with silver tins, Wanda plucks a couple from the middle shelf and stacks them on the top. At the back is a small red box. The chocolates are tucked inside. ]

The ones I fought had really elaborate technology. One of them came at me with a sword.

[ Recalling the events of defending Vision in Scotland leaves her feeling heavy, but her voice is light like she's telling a child an elaborate, fantastical story. Perhaps her memories of it can be lighter in this moment. ]

[ As far as Lottie's concerned, it is an elaborate, fantastical story. Maybe one based in reality, but the way Wanda's speaks of it leads her to believe this one had a happy ending. Or at least, something close to it. She wouldn't bring up something sad, she thinks. Something she didn't want to talk about.

Besides, stopping an alien invasion sounds cool. Definitely cooler than what she was doing before she woke up here, butt ass naked in the woods.. ]

What did you do?

[ Because obviously Wanda isn't dead. She's taking out her secret stash from the shelf, is holding a pretty red box with their treats in it (her eyes do dart to the lid, wondering what kind are in there). ]

Was it an alien sword? Did it do stuff?

[ Wanda nods. ] It's unbreakable.

[ As for what it did… She wouldn't put it past Thanos' sword to be able to rip into Vibranium as though it were tissue paper. Like father's sword, like son's sword, etc.

Rather than lead Lottie to the front of the store, she settles cross-legged in the aisle. The floor is clean (thanks to Wanda) and the natural light is lovely enough to light up the aisle without making it appear dreary with shadows. ]

Or it was as unbreakable as a sword could be. It could cut into anything, even the toughest metal. [ This, Wanda says with her focus on the box of chocolates. She opens the lid; delicious chocolates are inside, dark, milk and white, creamy and melt-on-your-mouth delicious. ]

But I just… [ Holding her hand up, she creates a small vine of red to wrap around her fingers. ] I wanted it destroyed, so I destroyed it.

Edited (i forgot lottie legit asked a question lmfao) 2023-10-06 23:56 (UTC)

[ Lottie takes one of them without question into her mouth— she starts with the obvious choice, the dark chocolate one. It has a cute little design on it, drizzled in a white glaze. It's the sweetest thing she's had in months, save for the cake they shared, and the sugar overwhelms her. But she likes it, how intense it is. How unlike it is to everything else here.

She glances up as Wanda explains the strength of the sword, hardly paying attention and more thinking to herself how normal this all feels (sitting in an aisle after hours because an employee sneaked them in? Post break-up realness? Bonding? What is this, a teen comedy?). Her eyes make their way back to Wanda, her hand, something eye level now that she joins her properly on the ground. Watches her wrap that vine around slender fingers and she thinks, hm, that must be her magic. ]

That's good. It's like manifesting.

[ Like all the young kids, do!! ]

You're putting your wants and desires out into the universe and it like, gives it back. Or helps make it real. They probably wanted you to fuck up those aliens super bad, too!

[ She laughs lightly.

Lottie makes everything feel lighter. It's not because of her simple view of the world. It's because she sees the good, especially when it's bad and hopeless. She's like a firefly in the dark, leading her out of the fog.

She picks up a chocolate. ]

Do you believe in that? That you can wish for something so badly the universe ends up giving it to you?

Of course!

[ She replies without thought, taking another piece and unintentionally digging her nails into it. Sees the indentation of them and how some of it stains her fingers gooey and warm. ]

I mean, you wish. And then you have to like, you know, put some work into it. Obviously. [ She pops a piece into her mouth, not even paying attention to what she's saying— just that it feels right. ] But everything will work out in the end. That's how Caroline and I got close.

Caroline's your friend?

[ Wanda asks it with a kind smile.

Did she wish for Vision? For Natasha, Steve and Sam? Wanda doesn't disbelieve you can't wish for someone—or the characteristics of someone. She wanted a home, and she got Vision.

She wanted a friend, and she found Lottie. ]

Do you miss her?

[ Perhaps that's a silly question to ask. ]

[ Would she seem like a bad person if she said no? That's the first thing that bounces through Lottie's mind at the question. At first, yes. But then John happened, then House, Wanda, everyone she knows— there was no time to really mourn about what she had with Caroline when she had so much all of a sudden.

In typical Lottie fashion, much of this dances through her face, settles deeply when she takes another bite of chocolate. ]

Of course.. [ Lottie misses how small she'd feel when Caroline would look at her. Her lips, sometimes. Eventually: ] I think you'd like her.. She has the prettiest hair and she's always so cool.

[ Like you, goes unsaid. ]

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