explosion | RUBILYKSKOYE INBOX.

[ Everything is still fresh. Everything still hurts, and the worst part is for the past thirty minutes Lottie has been picking at her wounds because she's got nothing better to do than to feel sorry for herself. Than to awkwardly lay down on the ground, because she made the mistake of making all her memories with John on her bed.

Including the break up. ]

hey! wydd

[ She sends this, first, to Wanda on a whim, her emotions and the intensity of them wrapped and wound tight around her letters. Hardly contained, practically bursting at the seams.

(Where she lays on the ground, she can see her dick trophy recently hung on a shelf she had installed. She's been thinking about this for five of the thirty minutes she's spent loudly crying.) ]

[ When Lottie "messages" her, Wanda's levitating above her bed, legs crossed and her eyes closed, mind completely at ease. It helps to quiet all the voices in the boarding house when they become too loud and begin to prompt a headache to form at her temples.

Lottie's voice—text? god, it's so weird here—is a welcome reprieve from all her non-thinking. ]

Talking to you. :)

[ It's such a mom thing to say. ]

wydd?

[ The letters feel a little clumsy. Wanda's never really been one for acronyms unless she's texting Sam Wilson, and since he hasn't been at the top of her contact list in a while, she's been writing most of her questions out to those she does contact. (She avoided a lot of people until Rubilykskoye.) ]

[ It is such a mom thing to say that it actually manages to make Lottie laugh. It's a weird, ugly, sound, because there's phlegm that gets coughed up somewhere between that she has to deal with— but it's fine. Understandable. Even if it reminds her of how gross she feels. How maybe this was one of the final nails in the coffin, that if medicine existed she wouldn't be #single and ready to #mingle.

Lottie flips around to the other side of the floor, wipes at her nose with the sleeve of her sweater like a neanderthal with no care for her clothing. As she mulls over what to say (what is palatable, what it is she actually wants to say). ]

also talking to you LOL

[ She brings both her hands to wipe at her eyes, inhales deeply. Tiredly. Wipes a little more like it'd stop the tears or the heartache but they don't, so she continues. ]

i'm thinking about

redecorating

Ooo.

How big will this redecoration be? A total overhaul? Changing your walls from whatever color they are now to something the complete opposite?

I love redecorating.

[ Even if the room she shares with Aleksander is still a little plain, WandaVision did win an Art Directors Guild Award in Excellence in Production Design for a Television Movie or Limited Series, Dorian Award for Most Visually Striking Show, Primetime Creative Art Emmy Awards in Outstanding Production Design for Narrative Program and nominations for Costume Designers Guild Award in Excellence in Period Television.

She might know a thing or two about redecorating to a theme. ]

[ She really only got as far as some new bed sheets. New pillows, maybe. Completely starting fresh with everything on her walls, the biggest little cleanse of her life. Wanda makes the idea sound fun, at least, like it could be more than her getting rid of everything unpleasant in her vicinity. She stares at the ceiling in thought, tries to imagine a renovation worthy of a television show but draws blanks. Finds John's stupid face in the spiraling of the wood, somewhere. ]

were you a designer or smth before this??

[ God. What color were the walls in her old place, even? Were they beige? Orange? It's a little scary she can't even recall the details, now, even when she tries. ]

i was just thinking small first
like my bed
fun carpet
more blankets
curtains

I liked to change my room a lot when I used to live with friends.

[ That's putting her confinement in the Avengers Compound very lightly. Wanda hadn't known she had the ability to reshape reality with a wave of her hand, to change her walls from off-cream to a deep blood-red by sheer will. She did it the old-fashioned way before Westview.

It used to be fun. ]

I think those are really great ideas. Especially if you get fur carpet. It's so much fun to lie on.

What brought this on? I know this place can get boring now and then.

[ You know, in between all the sex. ]

[ The fur carpet is the one for sure idea she's taken from her old apartment — she used to lay on that too when she was feeling dramatic. Now she's got a shirt draped over her like a blanket, curled up beneath it (not even over, because her warmth comes first and it's drafty down here). Mulling over things in that intense way she does when Lottie gets too in her head. ]

mercury is in retrograde

[ She thinks, at least. Lottie has no idea what horoscopes are like now that her app is gone, but with the spiral of her life in less than a week it feels like it.

It's after a few long moments of silence that the dam breaks— ]

my life is over
i'm going through a break up
my floor is cold
everything sucks

[ This is a conversation Wanda's watched countless times in her movies and television shows. She's only ever experienced it in reality a few times, back in Sokovia when the world was falling apart. She'd once listened to Gertie bemoan Mikhail had broken her heart into tiny pieces when he decided he wanted to see other people. Wanda had let Svetlana handle most of the consoling. (It was even more awkward when she cried over Pietro.)

But it excites her a little, stupidly so, to be trusted to embody such a role with Lottie. ]

What happened?

[ What happened? ]

idk

[ She does, Lottie intimately does. She lies because it's easier, because she's been thinking about it nonstop since it happened, so fresh in her mind that if she closes her eyes she might be able to hear it: the two of them talking in this stupid, boring, room. Where does she even start? The thought only hits her for a moment, her mouth (brain) running before she can even think better of it. ]

it was all that stupid ass castle
we were fine before that stupid dinner
and after it's like
everything changed?

we stopped talking and it's like.. he IGNORED me
he didn't want to talk to me
he avoided me

I'm so sorry, Lottie.

[ Wanting to avoid and ignore an issue is something Wanda understands better than anyone might realise. Rolling the end credits tends to close any argument, especially if it leaves her the victor.

If that argument is about a traumatic experience, it's even better to leave it on a cliffhanger that's never resolved. ]

Did John tell you why he didn't want to talk to you?

[ Straight-up ignoring someone doesn't sound like House, even if Wanda has had experience with him trying to push her away. He's a poker, someone who acts out. John strikes her as the type to go cold on someone (much like her). ]

[ That's some of the issue — she wanted him to talk about that (even though she knows she couldn't handle it, can barely even handle the way the weather shifts to trigger her allergies), wanted his affection. Mainly, she wanted him to just acknowledge her. Treat her the way he did before, when things were simpler. Easier.

She purposely waits a few seconds before answering, already knowing what she wants to say but not wanting to seem like a hater (She Is). It's said with a tang of bitter, ]

i wasn't the most important thing in his life
he was busy

I doubt that's true.

[ Wanda doesn't know John well enough to speak for him (and even if she did, she wouldn't want to), but she doubts someone like him would spend time with her if he thought her insignificant. ]

I don't think he would have spent so much time with you if he felt that way. He doesn't seem like the type to do that.

And I know you wouldn't allow that if you felt that was how he saw you. You're much smarter than you give yourself credit for. You know your worth.

[ Considering the mischief they get up to at the General Store and the gossip they share while at work, Wanda thinks John's the type to keep people at arm's length—like her. You don't live that long, see as much as he sees, and easily let people in. It's too emotionally intelligent. But Lottie? Lottie wears her emotional intelligence on her wrist. She's so sociable and trusting, and wears her baggage proudly rather than hiding behind it. Wanda wishes she was more like her—free and confident in who she is. ]

I will let you in on a very important secret I want you to remember.

[ Wanda partly pauses for dramatic effect, but it's mostly to pull her thoughts together. ]

He is a man.
They are very dumb.
He is one of the dumbest.

[ Why do you think she got with a synthezoid? ]

[ Lottie forces herself to listen, to make room for Wanda's flow of letters and words of wisdom inside her head (the same one that's fit to burst, that's working overtime and so little when her emotions get the better of her). She's not sure if what she's saying about her is entirely true, but it sooths her regardless. Even more than her sorry. Because it means Wanda thinks highly of her, thinks that Lottie has her shit together enough to not put up with behavior like that.

Has formed enough of an opinion to surmise: good. She is a good person who deserves nice things, and it's so true.

She lets the sound of her watery sigh (that edges into a laugh, because Wanda got the timing just right and it's here she appreciates how funny Wanda is) ring through their connection, a touch of her voice between her texts. ]

but he's thousands and thousands of years old

[ She doesn't disagree: he is dumb (this is the kindest word she's thought of him, thus far). But— ]

how can you be SO dumb if you're THAT old?????

That means he has had more time to embrace his dumbness.

[ She laughs at her own joke. (Sorry, John.) ]

Just because someone is old doesn't mean they are smart. It just means they have lived more, seen more. Possibly learned that it's easier to push genuine connection away than it is to embrace it and trust it.

He didn't ignore you because you are insignificant. He ignored you because he didn't know how to cope with how he felt, and maybe he was scared you would think badly of him because of how he felt. It's easier to hide behind armor than it is to lower it. Easier to push people away than to accept their invitation to lean on them.

[ Sources cited: Wanda Maximoff. ]

tl;dr: Dumb.

[ What Wanda is saying makes sense (just because you're older doesn't mean you're smarter, wiser, something something hiding your true self). But it makes too much sense, humanizes him too much to where it is so very hard to stay mad and upset, devastated when she wants to.

It aligns with what she wants to hear, absolutely, what gives her hope that she's more than just a nice distraction. That she didn't waste her time pining after him during their silence— but still. ]

but he's not ignoring anyone else
he's like FINE and normal and whatever
it's like he doesn't even care or smth

and i feel even dumber than he is for caring as much as i do bc what does that say abt me??

That you care.

[ Isn't it that simple? Can't it be? ]

There's nothing wrong with you caring more than he does. It just means you're capable of a lot more than he is.

I don't think loving someone so much is something to feel shame for. I feel sorry for him.

[ Caring so much about someone got Wanda into so much strife. Vision wouldn't like who she's become in her grief for him, but Wanda doesn't regret loving him that much she'd devastate the world.

(In another world, he feeds their friends to her to eat and keep her zombie form replenished. If doing devastating things for each other isn't love, then she has no concept of it.) ]

[ Petulant and as childish as ever, Lottie wants to argue that caring more just means she's the loser in all this. That she's the one suffering the most (not really), and the worst part is it'd be all her fault (it is). ]

i don't love him.. [ The unspoken declaration: she does like him. ] that's crazy
he still thinks i'm 26!!! I'M 29

[ It's so weird to think about, that concept in all this. Lottie's only ever really loved one person and even then it came with its own hang-ups. It's own Lottie brand self doubt and loathing, wondering if she's even doing the whole love thing right.

She thinks in the end, she didn't— Sunny wanted a break just like John did, even after all the years they spent together. He must've wanted something different (someone?), and that's where it all stems from, the insecurities that are biting at her heel: worry of not being good enough. Wanda says she feels sorry for John and that worry rears it head, burns a fire so hot inside she has to remind herself that Wanda is smart. She's not saying any of this without a reason, or to make her upset, even if it's so easy for her to force that narrative because John hurt her feelings. ]

also why?? :(
he made his choices!
they weren't good ones but
isn't the point of life living and learning??

[ (says the person not doing that) ]

And isn't living and learning also all about making messes, hard decisions, and sometimes very big mistakes?

[ Speaking from experience, although, Wanda doesn't let herself dwell on her handful of messes, hard decisions, and mistakes. ]

It's not all about pretty, easy things that feel good. That's not life. It's just a small part of it.

[ A tiny, tiny, tiny sliver. ]

[ Wanda, you were supposed to think that was forgiving and cool of her to say then comment on something else. Not agree with her and side with John!! ]

but those are the best parts :(

[ Weakly, childishly. But not enough to be so stubborn that she stays landlocked in this opinion, because she's right. She can live with this being categorized as a very big mistake. Maybe someday he'll regret it and come apologize. Maybe they can be friends. Or, maybe, they can be nothing at all. She doesn't know, and that's equally as scary as everything else happening around her, because right now she feels so much. Wants so desperately it smothers her. ]

what do i do now

[ Her cheek is smushed against the cold wood floor. ]

i KNOW what to do but
what do i do

[ Oh, Lottie, she knows. ]

You leave your room and come outside the boarding house with me. I know where they keep the very delicious chocolate at the General Store.

[ Granted, there is no delicious chocolate at the General Store right now…

But there will be, in a hiding place Wanda deems has always been there. ]

Assuming you like chocolate.

[ Sweets. Chocolate. Lottie thinks of how nice it'd be to stuff her face, the nice and pleasant juxtaposition to her usual barely there eating habits. She doesn't even regulate the interest, how thankful she is at the request, from their mental connection — doesn't even think to spare Wanda the brunt of it, how happiness intermingles with hesitation at an instant. ]

....john won't be there
right?

[ At the General Store, she means. ]

No.

[ She ensures to send that quick and firm, leaving no room for Lottie to doubt her.

If he was, Wanda would invite Lottie to come sit with her in her room or go to another spot in the town far away from where John was. ]

I wouldn't make you go there if he was.

[ What she doesn't say: You can trust me. ]

[ She doesn't think Wanda would intentionally, she's just used to having friends put her in the same vicinity as her exes (well, ex— now, it is exes) regardless of what she wants. Especially, regardless of how fresh the break up is. ]

okay

i can be there in like 15 if that's cool w/ you?

Super cool.

Unless saying that isn't cool.

[ But Wanda's where she says she is, five or however many minutes it takes for Lottie to make her way outside. She's dressed in an oversized white button-up and loose trousers, her hair in a looser braid. She stands outside the boarding house, tilting her head up to observe the windows like some fun shadow show is on display. ]

Have you ever noticed how some of these windows look a little crooked?

[ Lottie, first of all, looks: rough. She's got layers on, chest covered and cleavage nowhere to be seen (already a bad sign). She's got her hair in a shitty bun (arguably an even worse sign), and she's in ye olde sandals (screaming). She's slightly hunched over, arms crossed and looking from side to side, as if she's worried about someone seeing her with her red eyes, her red nose. The snot stains on her sleeve, even— which she has forgotten about, having to spare all her leftover mental energy to force herself to not ditch Wanda. ]

They are?

[ That answers the question immediately. She turns to look at said windows, then glances at Wanda (then her braid, how nice it looks in comparison to her ratty birds nest at the crown of her head) with raised brows after she sees.. Huh, they— are! ]

..Is that a good thing?

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